In the progress of offending people, it is always
polite to allow the offended an opportunity to denigrate the offender.
Some of my victims however are dead, and others might as well be. So it is only fair for me to indulge a duality and speak for
the offended by denigrating myself first.
I am the sort of
person who enjoyed Tristram Shandy. I am therefore too stupid to see
it as a callow attempt at notoriety by a disgruntled and penniless
I am the sort of person who
thinks Hegel had a point in the Phenomenology of Spirit. I am too ill-prepared
to understand the real world as an individualistic material paradise ruled
by greed and the joy of stuff.
I am the sort of
person who finds angels amongst the Existentialists. I am too poorly
educated to accept the primacy of process as a means to maintain
coexistence between the fortunate and the less fortunate.
I could go on, but the gist is
there. An insufferable bore. A flat penny amongst silver
coins. A leak in the hose pipe. A fly on the toilet
seat. A cockroach on the egg salad. A lone quail in the
vegetable garden. Oh yes, and I could also be accused of that vileness that
is the 'pompous little shit', with its holier than thou.
I use these tired old phrases to
demonstrate a genuine commitment to duality. They are apt expressions
which the offended should understand and agree with.
It is an attempt to be honest, my
supporters might agree. It is an attempt at realism, my supporters
might insist. But they would be wrong, because I know my enemy too
well. Amongst them, honesty is just another word in the vocabulary of
fools, and the real is always what they want it to be. Poor Dears.