An English In Kentucky


















Wednesday June 13th 2012    Tim Candler

    Hard to think of the Ancients as being exactly as we are. They didn't have the steel shovel head, or the light weight fiber glass handle. I am told their digging implement was an antler of some kind, so it is even harder to think of their world as being somehow simpler..  But they were adept at basket making and probably, in those old days, hats were made of reed, or grasses, rather than felt or cloth or paper.  Nor would they have had access to the sort of mass produced mirror that are now ubiquitous. Which is not to say that a reflection of appearance was no more or less of a cult amongst the ancients than it is amongst us.  After all, the effort of making an obsidian mirror is Neolithic in origin.  So I'd like to suggest, given how blurred and fleeting an image reflected by polished obsidian is, that back in those days, life was simpler, because it was easier to believe a compliment.

     Which is why I see the origin of hats as belonging to a sort of pandering to the ancient equivalent of a stressed out Job Creator, perhaps during nerve-racking hours immediately preceding exposure to the rest of us.  I imagine it was a Neolithic sycophant who produced the very first  "You look great in that hat."  And I am certain it was a moment as intense in its cravenness as it would be today, because in reality no one looks sensible in a hat, and I will not believe they ever have done because it is my opinion that deep in our being we are as truly averse to head wear as we are to socks.   So, in the reenactment of this years unwritten precept,  those of us who anticipate wearing a headdress should be reminded that I myself will carry a plane glass mirror as well as my staff.  This mirror will be backed by aluminum, and should reflect considerably better than obsidian.  But just for the sake of certainty, before any one is permitted to go near ice cream there will be a  hat burning, or "conflagration" as I will insist upon calling it.


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