Tuesday June 19th 2012 Tim
Tomorrow is the big day.
Procession with hats, staff and/or rod, and a mirror. Then
conflagration of hats. Followed by consumption of ice cream and
there could be Raspberry sauce. In the suggestion box this
morning, several caught the attention of the Officiating Priest who, I
am told, is already rather nervous. A condition in him that can produce
One suggestion from the box,
argued for the drowning of hats in the pond, which given complete lack
of rain, fields of tinder, and temperatures probably in the nineties,
might make perfect sense. Also, in the same handwriting, a suggestion
that perhaps hats should be drawn onto a piece of paper which would then
be pasted to the forehead of those participating in the procession,
which also seems quite sensible. As well there was a scribble or
two about the composting of hats, which of course is out of the question
and clearly a product of a fevered and over excited imagination.
And there was the usual, "what's the difference between a staff and a
rod." Nor does anyone seem to remember what the mirror is for.
But one of the
responsibilities of being a Priest is the maintaining of what we in the
trade call 'long sight.' Which is another way of saying 'never being wrong.'
It's simple really, God gave our species the ability to reason only because
he enjoys watching us beat our heads against his brick wall. Which
means the work of a Priest is to find reasons why drowning of hats in the
pond is not a good idea. And why pasting a drawing of a hat onto the
forehead is not a good idea. And why composting of hats misses the
A first instinct might be to see
in all three suggestions the diabolic workings of a hat loving mind
attempting to avoid a conflagration of their hat which would consume it
utterly. But that might be deemed a primitive or fascist instinct,
rather than a faith-based and symbolic one. So as a chief advisor to
the Priest's chief community relations assistant, in my email I'll include,
"chance of contact with flesh eating bacteria" as one argument against
drowning of hats in the pond. And "sad lack of commitment" as a reply
to the pasting to forehead suggestion. With respect to composting of
hats, hanging hats on fence posts and so on, I'm inclined to think a
withering stare from the Officiating Priest accompanied by a gesture
with rod or staff, should suffice to put paid to any further nonsense.