An English In Kentucky


















Thursday October 18th 2012    Tim Candler

     Through the course of a year, maintenance of cut grass produces three  things.  The first is an emanation from a four stroke L-head petrol engine, the Job Creator of which was not obliged to reach into imagination for any kind of emissions converter.   Estimates vary, as they always will and should be judged as estimates because organizations that indulge their passion for estimates, generally earn their wages from sources that I will call 'pre-inclined.'  A grain of salt perhaps, should therefore be taken with the estimate that a gallon of petrol which weighs around six pounds produces somewhere between, 'insignificant'  and 'twenty pounds' of carbon dioxide. 

      Sounds like magic, but according to the magicians carbon dioxide from hydrocarbons comes from the work of combustion, where the carbon in hydrocarbons combines with oxygen from the atmosphere, at the rate of at least one carbon atom to two oxygen atoms, to make the molecule CO2.  You can wriggle it around if you wish to, but remember the oxygen atom  is heavier than the carbon atom.  Either way, I estimate the cutting of grass here where I live produces somewhere around three quarters of a ton of  carbon dioxide a year, give or take  a couple of hundred pounds, depending upon inches of rain, creative mood and other such lollygagging.   And this, for the inconsolably curious, rounds down to a three hundred US dollar a year contribution to the vacation fund, or country cottage, or divorce settlement, or sense of worth portrayed by a Petroleum Executive in his or her role as reducer of the scythe to status of artisanal. 

     Cut grass, through the auspices of a loveable and often eccentric petrol consuming device, some parts of which are probably as ancient as seventeen years old, also consumes a considerable amount of time that I will call 'tinkering time.'  A distant observer, on perhaps the Planet Neptune, might conclude that 'tinkering time' is a form of purgatory hinted at by the architecture of Gothic Cathedrals here on Earth, and as they watch me at 'tinkering time,' it's my belief these distant observers are in keen anticipation of finally documenting that novel idea first hinted at by Deuteronomy 32:22.  A seminal moment, which for the better occupied I will précis by saying,  some six thousand years after the six days of creation, or around three thousand years ago from today, a Hell augmented by Fieriness was introduced to its committee phase. 

    The final product of this ogre of cut grass is the sense of orderliness it brings to a mind dominated by the strictures placed upon idea by the personality traits of "meticulousness," "avarice" and "obstinacy." Which according to Freudians have their origin in 'anal retentiveness,' an infantile pleasure taken from feces retention as a means of making a point by those not yet possessing a fluency in one of the babbling languages the sources of which predated Fiery Hell by maybe four, or perhaps five thousand years.  Which makes perfect sense to  me, even though a more recent model of human development, dismisses the Freudian analysis as a product of the transitional time when indoor 'plumbing' was a novelty requiring greater control of "defecation than had been necessary" in the less punishing world of  chamber pots, outhouses, alleyways and open windows.  Quite how this makes Freud incorrect, I don't know, but that's psychoanalysts for you, who because they don't get out much, have obviously never walked through the toilet or "Bathroom" aisle of a Hardware Store, which is to the right and politely hidden from  "Lawn and Garden" by "Flooring."

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