An English In Kentucky


















Saturday April 13th 2013    Tim Candler


    So I shaved and shampooed my hair for the big day in town.  I went to the Southern States, they called me 'Buddy,' and I came away with two bags of modified Coir and the smaller packet of Roma II Bush Beans.  Then I went to the Post Office, they called me 'Madam.'   When I replied, 'Yes indeed! I feel cute today,' there was profuse apology, some blushing, much use of the word 'Sir,' but no one in ear shot smiled back at me.  And I came away from the Post Office with two weeks of what I guess is called  'mail,' a book of the very dull 'Freedom' stamps, and the certain knowledge that I really have to watch my tongue when out and about, otherwise if ever she returns from her travels The Artist may have to decide whether or not to retrieve me from somewhere in Lexington that has in its title the word 'behavioral.'

     In the Grocery Store, I stared at sausages, bits of Cow and something called 'Bison Burger.' Not because I am passionate about these things, but because a younger man was engaged in what I will describe as 'obviously surreptitious discussion' with a younger woman, and I was suddenly nosey.  From what I could glean, someone had died and there was a cruel quarrel about where the deceased should be 'put to rest.'  I could feel my own contribution emerge.  I could hear 'Kentucky's Statute KRS 367,' which contains the rule that takes a dim view of the  Zoroastrian tradition of  'putting to rest,' dart toward the vocal chords. Briefly I thought my own predicament might give the grieving younger people comfort. Then as a reward for controlling my tongue, I decided to spend fifty cents at the check out counter on an Easter Chocolate Caramel Egg.  The check out person charged me sixty cents for it. When I raised an eyebrow, it was explained to me that to get the fifty cent rate on an Easter Chocolate Caramel Egg, I'd have to buy two of them. And against that sort of unnatural obsession with even numbers I took a stand. "Have a blessed day," I said.


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