An English In Kentucky


















Sunday February 16th 2014  Tim Candler


     Quite certain I am not the only person to have noticed the word "over-achiever" being bandied around in "weather forecaster as entertainer" circles.  And I do hope the fine men and women of the National Weather Service are never tempted by these sort of undignified,  subjective and totally inane uses of language by the so desperately cheerful they are clearly making the most of the medical weed now that pot growers don't have to tell lies to get bank accounts.  It either is or it isn't. And pretending that somehow a storm outwitted the model is a downhill to insanity and we might as well all just give up on any pretense and watch Mega Shredders or Honey Boo Boo and then drink ourselves to death. Then when it comes to naming Winter Storms, again one bumps up against the jaundice of the corporate enterprise and their tragic algorithms that appear to define us as lobotomized Dogfish.

      Some of us don't actually like little matching jackets and rulers in snow drifts, and standing at traffic intersections, and always the driving around for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Such things do not make us feel confident, to the contrary we begin to think goosestep, blind obedience and synchronized swimming. And if you have to give a Winter Storm a name, call it something like Pol Pot, or Joseph Goebbels, or Joseph Stalin, or Genghis Khan or Adolf Hitler, or Winston bloody Churchill,  for god's sake. Rand Paul, Mitch McConnell, all of them perfectly good and sensible names when put beside Pax or Quintus or Leon or Cleon or Dion. Far better from mathematics, mathematics should come, so why can't a storm be give numbers instead of language. Yes indeed we are all deeply screwed and it's no wonder so high a percentage of us still reckon the Sun goes around the Earth and Darwin an agent of the devil, because it's a perfectly reasonable reaction to the god-dam weather channel... And if I go on, I might have to lie down, which would be wrong, because I have looked out the window and I believe I can see sunshine.


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