An English In Kentucky


















Wednesday November 22nd 2017Tim Candler9


      OK Chaps! We need to talk. It's not going to be one of those quiche recipe sharing talks, there'll be no book club here, nor will we be discussing the difference between a cartridge and round, or whether Freddie Truman was a disaster for the game of cricket. We're going to talk about girls! And worth mentioning that the great majority of us boys appear to have some very, very strange ideas about girls. First of all God is mostly silent and yet boys have this habit of interpreting God's thoughts in such a manner as to suit them best and one of the assumptions we boys have made is that God is a boy and when God was pottering around creating stuff we boys were God's initial thought and girls were some kind of entertaining leftover rib. Anyone who thinks this needs a great deal more than serious help from a spell in the laughing stocks, followed by ten years in jail, especially if it leads to things like inviting girls half your age to take notes and then expect them to watch you xxxbbxx. No one thinks that's cute or clever, even if you are seventy years old, what's the matter with you! And if you find yourself still tempted to behave in such a disgusting manner there are places you can go, pay good money to a professional to watch you do something like wrap your xxx in silver foil and bbb it with wooden spoon. Disgraceful? Of course it's disgraceful and it's pathetic, as well being a total embarrassment. God very obviously didn't make us first and if God did then it was a major error, we don't even have wombs for goodness sake.



     The other thing to remember is this. The only reason we have boys and girls is so that our species might cram seven billion people into a small planet and in the process proceed to destroy it on the understanding that someone somewhere in a garage might someday invent a device that will enable us to travel faster than the speed of light and allow us to populate the universe with an abundance of face book accounts. An absolutely tragic fate for a species that occasionally has a bright shining moment of inspiration such as the poems of Pessoa, but mostly just beats it's head against a brick wall. So my advice is to look at yourself in the mirror and instead of seeing Rock Hudson staring back at you and go on about a War on Men and how much simpler things were when Christmas was called Christmas and your mommy still washed your underwear, get with the program and stop being so afraid of a bold future that will include black girls and white girls and all kinds of girls doing things like running governments, small businesses and multi-national corporations. I do realize that this might be very difficult for some of us less secure boys, and as the festive season begins with Thanksgiving or for the rest of the world Just Another Thursday, try to remember the immortal words of Enoch 3 42-205 "And it came to pass on the sixth day God shrugged and picketh up a snail, a leftover puppy dog tail and showeth them unto Eve. Eve raised her eyes unto the heavens and said 'yuk.'  And while Eve ate an apple God was mightily amused by the possibilities of a creation she would have called The Pro-Oligarchic Xenophon had the snake not suggested Adam." For the scripture buffs, much of Enoch was expunged from the scared texts by bearded men and maybe a couple of nuns at the Council of Nicaea in 325 BCE.



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